Monday, May 23, 2011


In the last week I have done 2, yes two 10k runs! Not only that they are my first two 10ks EVER! I'm pretty psyched about it! I did them both in 1:06 min. I'm incredibly proud of myself! I am also continuing to improve my pace. I did the entire 10k at an average of 10:43min/mile pace. Which factors in my short walking breaks too. Usually when I get into longer runs my pace suffers. But lately I just seem to be improving and improving!

I am continuing to feel better thanks to my anti-depressants too. I really am glad that I followed through with it and made the appointment. I was always worried that I "wouldn't feel like myself" on anti-depressants but honestly I still feel completely like myself just happier. It is such an improvement and such a relief to not feel like I am being crushed by some invisible mass bearing down on me.

In other news, I'm going to need to set a new running ticker goal! I am less than 9 miles away from 100 miles since January 1st! :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Starting to Feel Optimistic

For the first time in my life... I am taking an anti-depressant.

It is an idea I have been resistant to for a long time.

after 10 years of feeling various degrees of depression
hitting a huge low recently
finally having health insurance...

I decided I was ready to take a leap.

It has only been a week so I'm not sure how much it is or isn't working, but I am slowly feeling better. I am very much looking forward to feeling even better.

I also have really gotten back into my running groove. I was struggling for a week to even get my running shoes on but I am back at it.

I am basically 3/4 done with my first 100 miles of the year! (see my ticker) Woot!

I accomplished my Nike+ goal of 5 runs at a 11:15 min/mile pace in 4 weeks.

I set a new Nike+ goal of 5 runs at a 11:00 min/mile pace in 4 weeks.

And tonight I completed my first run under my new goal pace, and it was my first run since setting the goal!

Also I set out for my scheduled 4 mile run and KILLED it!! I did 4 miles in 42:40!!

I had a definite runner's high after and felt so proud of myself. I truly believe that my new stretching habits have made a tremendous difference. My muscles did not feel fatigued or dead until the last 400 meters and I needed very little walking. My endurance both cardiovascular and strength are definitely increasing and I am so psyched! I'm starting to feel like a real runner! :)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Crawling Out of the Quicksand


All things that have become increasingly evasive to me.

My actions have been more destructive than usual.
My tears have become more plentiful.

That bone deep ache has crept back in.
That numb sensation has worsened.
That desire to pull into myself until I disappear has completely taken over.

It has all gotten so bad that I scheduled an appointment with a doctor for the first time in the 10 years since these things first reared their head in my life.

Enough is enough. There has to be a way for me to feel better than just treading water. I deserve better don't I? My husband and son deserve better from me than what I can currently give don't they?

I feel like the answer must be yes. For as much as I hate myself, somewhere inside, against all odds, I still feel like I deserve to be happy.

So I have made an appointment, I have created a running plan and a food plan... and I am going to do my best to pull myself out of the quicksand I have been drowning in for so long... and find a better, happier me somewhere inside this mess that I am.

This song/scene really struck me and brought me to tears...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ooh Baby-Baby...

(Sung to the tune of Push It by Salt 'N Pepa of course. I know its not reeeally a song about babies but I like to sing just the "ooh babe-ay, babe-ay" part to Mostest because he's my Babe-ay :) LOL)

                           (Image from babiestoday. info)

Now more to the point... I have a hard time putting stuff "out there" and being vulnerable especially when it is something that has the potential to show failure. Something that I have been reluctant to mention to well... anyone... in the past is baby-making plans. Part of it is I don't like a bunch of people up in my business (which is why I will never tell certain people in my life LOL) and also partly because having people know that I'm "trying" will make me vulnerable and if it takes some time to accomplish... well then I'm failing. And I already hate failing, why would I want to purposefully show, tell, etc others that I'm failing?

So here's the truth: After (honestly) 2+ years of putting Hubby off on having another baby, I have finally caved. For several reasons: 1) because I'm dying to have another baby 2) because we have reached and/or slightly surpassed the age gap we wanted (3-4 years) 3) because I have put him off enough and he deserves better than that from me.

Lemme tell ya though... I have some serious reservations about getting pregnant right now. First and foremost I have not lost any weight. That has been damn near my one and only reason for putting off another baby all this time and I am, as a matter of fact, 15-20 lbs heavier than my lowest weight since having Mostest. WTF? And I never did get all the way back down to my pre-pregnancy weight period.

Looking back I can see what I did wrong. A lot of emotional and stress eating, plus of course... excuse making. However, I will say one thing that I think is valid and deserves to be pointed out. In the last 3.5 years since I had Mostest, my life has been incredibly inconsisent, unstable and unpredictable. Not in the sense of my marriage (thankfully) but in the day to day stuff. We did not live in one place longer than 10-11 months, Hubby and I both went through multiple jobs etc. It doesn't seem like such a big deal, but shit like that really piles on the stress and makes it hard to stay on track. Oh and on top of that I have had at least 2 significant bouts of either seasonal or postpartum depression.

Anyway... So here I am still struggling to even get into the lower 190's and trying to get pregnant. :S It makes for a lot of mixed feelings. On the one hand I am absolutely thrilled and giddy at the thought of being pregnant again but on the other hand I am devastated and terrified of starting a pregnancy at my current weight.

One thing I can say... Regardless of how much I weigh when I get pregnant again, there is going to be waaaaay less indulging and waaaaaay more exercising than when I was pregnant with Mostest and gained waaaaaay too much. I was working and going to school full-time when I was pregnant with him and therefore my eating was horrendous and I pretty much didn't exercise at all :(

I plan to continue cutting out sugar and refined carbs and continue running as long as I can and doing some sort of exercise the entire pregnancy. Honestly, what I really want is to look like this professional runner during a pregnancy... but at this point that's not going to happen. Maybe the next pregnancy? LOL

                (Image from runningskirts. com)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

One Step at a Time

All I can do is my best,
                  one meal at a time,
                          one bite at a time,
                                    one run at a time,
                                            one step at a time,
                                                   one day at a time,
                                                         one second at a time.

Today was not my finest.

I had a binge...
                   and when I could have stopped it
                                                     I didn't. I just went. right. ahead.

But toward the end of said binge my body said "ICK!" and my mind said "Why are you doing this?" So I put those 2 things together and realizing that I truly was getting nothing out of this binge I was engaging in. I mean, intellectually I always know that I am getting nothing out of bingeing. Nothing good comes out of a binge. Quite the opposite in fact. But there is that emotional, irrational place in me that brings me to the precipice of a binge in the first place... and that place, believes I am getting something out of a binge. Filling some void I can't put my finger on, replacing and/or fulfilling some emotion I can't quite bring to the surface to acknowledge. Making me feel "better." But it really isn't...

I honestly believe this is something that I will battle with for quite a while to get worked out, maybe I will battle with it my whole life... I don't know. What I do know, is that I never want to quit battling. I never want to give in. That's not me, that has never been me, and I refuse to let that become me.

Which is why despite my bingeing, battered self-confidence, fatigue, and sore muscles I dragged myself out for the 5k run I had scheduled today. It was my third one in 3 days... I think 3 days in a row is too much in hindsight but I really wanted to stay accountable and on schedule. But lemme tell ya...

It. Sucked.

My calves hurt.
     My knees hurt.
          My pace was turtle like.

It was miserable.

But at the end of the day, I'm still glad I did it.

Because all I can do is take it one step at a time.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

On Top of the World!

                                      (Image from Flickr)

That's how I'm feeling right now! Honestly, I haven't run 5 miles since probably 2008... maybe 2009 but I don't think so. (That makes me sad to read, much less put it out there for all to see.)

I was going through my run history on Nike+ and my 5k this week was literally only 2 seconds more than my personal record! That is awesome! Also, there is a thing toward the bottom that shows your best times for the mile, the 5k and the 10k. I was looking at the blank 10k section and realized "Hey! I was just 1.1 miles short of that today!!! (Eee!) I could probably get a 10k time in there very soon!!!" I honestly don't think I have EVER run that many miles in one shot in my life! (6.2) I have always been fast, but short distance fast. I have never done, or had any inclination to do, long distance running. Why would I? I played hockey- no running there. I played rugby- short, fast spurt running there. So it never came into play.

However, here I am in a new town that is very small (population of 3,500 I believe) and has no real althetic avenue for me. Where I lived before I was still playing women's hockey, which is by far my preferred method of exercise. But I have nothing here.

I am a competitve person.
I need something to be competing at.
Even if it is with myself.
Therefore I am now running.
And setting goals for said running.

Honestly I would love to be able to compete in races too but like I said... small town, plus it's an island so I can't just drive to a nearby town and there are no races that I have heard of here in town. So I will just keep competing with myself. And you know what? I'm actually OK with that :)

Ever since I started running with Aurora I have really started falling more in love with running. I think when I went by myself it felt like an obligation. I did it because I had to, because I needed exercise to lose weight. Now I do it because it is a fun thing to do with my furry sweetie plus I am enjoying it and I love to see the improvements in my times and distances.

I have decided that I want to be one of these chicks.... A totally BadAss runner chick :)

                             (Image from Google Images)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Mostest Motivation

I had a 2 mile run on my Nike+ 5k training schedule and had to take Mostest with me since Hubby was at work. When we hit the halfway point Mostest told me how badly he wanted to keep going (he was chillin' in the stroller). How can you say no to that? So obviously I kept going. Pretty soon we were getting close to the beach so I figured I would go all the way there and he could get out and play for a bit before we headed home. Well, turns out he was asleep! So I turned around to head home. We had gone 2.5 miles at that point so obviously I had 2.5 more miles ahead of me. Eek!

As I was getting started on the return trip I was definitely dreading it. I was pleasantly surprised to find that once I got going I was mostly fine. I wasn't dying, I wasn't having to walk for extended periods of time. Or anything like that.

Hopefully this works... but here is a link to my 5 miler :) -->  Nike+

I am pretty damn proud of it. Especially considering I was pushing a stroller with a 36lb preschooler in it. Woot!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Self-Doubt, Self-Hate, Self-Sabotage... Self-Confidence.

low self esteem

I'm having on of those days...

                              Where I doubt and I hate and probably sabotage too.

I have been sitting here sitting stewing. Thinking about things I have done and things I haven't done. Are they enough, are they the right things? Am I doing this right? That right? Anything right?

Why can't I seem to succeed in losing weight? What's wrong with me? (Boy, there's a list that could get long...)

I'm emotionally exhausted right now, right this minute.
                                             From all my self-doubt and self-hate.

There are many great things about me, great things in my life, great people in my life...

But right now all I can see is
                                what I'm not
                                      what I'm failing at
                                            what I'm not sure of.

And to be honest I'm not sure what to do about it.

All I can do right now is listen to this song and try to take this advice:  

♫You're so mean

When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead ♫

                                                              Fucking Perfect by Pink

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Getting Back to Where I Left Off

Due to a Nike+ error (the time was going but the mileage wasn't) I ended up taking Aurora for a full 5k run last night! She did so well. She was so funny too, we retraced our steps for the last mile and she caught our previous scent/trail and took off running! She ran hard for a full 1/2 mile. Apparently she has more in her than I thought she did! LOL

I felt really good though. I'm feeling better endurance wise than I have felt since this past summer. I'm incredibly excited about that fact too. I want to start challenging myself to faster times and longer runs. Woot!

My goal for myself (and Aurora) is to go running at least 4x/week. Thankfully Hubby is on a shift right now that actually helps me have time to go running. Which is new and foreign! LOL

My current pace average is around 10:45-10:50... I am setting a goal of solid 10:00 pace averages.

I'm also setting a goal of getting my 5k time at or under 30 minutes.

Can't wait to conquer those goals!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Training My New Running Partner

I have longed for a running partner for quite a while...

Hubby doesn't enjoy running... so he's out.

Mostest doesn't enjoy being in the stroller as much as he used to... so he's out.

I'm in a new town so I haven't made many friends yet... so that's out.

SO, I got a dog! LOL

I got this beautiful girl and named her Aurora. Goddess of dawn.

She was born on Christmas Eve (how fun is that?) and she is about 3 months old.

Anyway, yesterday I took her for her 1st ever run! She has so much freaking energy so I figure "Why not give it a shot?" So I set out with my Nike+ set for a 3k and a mindset to walk if either of us needed it. Turns out, neither of us did!!! I am so proud of her! It was rainy too and it didn't bother her a bit. On my end, I was pleasantly surprised because I had way more endurance than I have had in quite a while. It was a very successful run and I look forward to taking her for her next one.

Here are some pics of us after our run! :) We are a rainy, sweaty, badass mess! LOL



Sunday, March 20, 2011

More March of Kindness

March of Kindness

I've been working on a few things in terms of kindness in the last week.

For Mostest I have been working on creating his own area to play and work in. Partly so he can be more independent and be able to get his own materials out to play and work with. And partly to give him a space that does not belong to the puppy at all. We have been trying hard to make sure that Mostest doesn't feel pushed out and overlooked now that we have a needy furry baby in the house.

So, I created a class-room for him! :)

Here's a peek at the various shelves and materials too
This is the manipulative shelf

This is the literacy/art shelf

This is kind of a random mixture shelf

I've been trying to make more art times available to him too. Its hard sometimes because I get busy and the puppy gets in the way. They are more work because I have to prep the materials for him. They can't just be left out to be available 24/7. However I know how much he loves to do them so I have initiated more in the past week.

I think these things have really made a difference for Mostest. He has been much less whiny and had fewer emotional eruptions.


Now for my little furry Goddess. I made a decision one day to really pay attention to her cues for needing to go outside. I don't know if it is because of my consciousness or a pleasant coincidence but that was the first day she had NO accidents in the house! She has not had a single accident since then either. It makes it so that we can have more pleasant interactions too when I am not upset because she peed in the house again. Woot!


Now for me... I went and bought myself some cute yarn to encourage myself in my new hobby of knitting. Plus I bought some cute fat quarters that struck my fancy. I love creating things. It makes me light up inside. Also buying these things has helped me prioritize some time for ME to do something I enjoy.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A 5k Kind of Day!

After a week plus of all sorts of reasons why I couldn't make it to the gym... I finally made it to the gym!

I had extra time today too so I decide to do as many 5k's as possible on multiple cardio machines.

I did 5k on the elliptical...

Then 5k on the treadmill...

And finally 5k on the bike...

I really pushed myself too. I didn't just go at my status quo pace. I think my endurance is finally picking back up too because I pushed harder than usual and felt better than usual too. I can't wait to go again!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Top 2 Tuesday


I saw this today and thought it would be a fun thing to do.

(In light of Mostest's self haircut last week) I am the "official" haircutter-when-you're-not-supposed-to in my family of origin. I thought that the ferret and cat's tail hair should end bluntly not tapered... so I cut it accordingly. (good thing I knew to check for where the tail was...) I also cut my brother's hair when he was about 4 because he asked me to and I was trying to be a good big sister. Unfortunately I cut a big chunk down to the scalp by his ear... Oops. Then when I was 17-18 and my sister was about 2 I wanted to give her a hair cut and my mom said no, but I did anyway :) It turned out really well and my mom liked it though LOL

                           Google Images
I hate it when the house or car or whatever is quiet. If there is no music on it feels empty and wrong. Music makes my world go 'round and I would be lost without it. I can even break my childhood into chunks based on what kind of music I loved at the time.

Kindergarten- 2nd grade: Whitney Houston
3rd grade- 6th grade: Country
7th grade- 8th grade: Pop
9th grade- 10th grade: Punk
11th grade - 12th grade: Rock

And now I listen to evvvvverything except techno. LOL

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


This is something I need to work on. Being mindful.

I often think things like "Back when I was skinny, ______________." Or "When I'm skinny again, __________." It's always past or future. Never present. I never seem to think things like "Right now, I'm not where I want to be but I'm working on it and I'm strong." If I am thinking something about the present it is usually, "Ugh, I'm so fat" "I hate my body" "I wish I looked like her."

Sooooo not helpful or healthy. :(

Certainly this ties into food and weightloss/gain too. If I am not eating mindfully then I will most likely pick unwise foods and eat waaaay more than I should. This is definitely a problem I have.

I also think that way in other areas. For example "Someday when we're in the town we will stay in permanently, ________________." "Someday when we have a house of our own, ___________." Etc.

I also spend a lot of time not being fully engaged in what I am doing at that moment. By having the TV on while I am doing other things. Multitasking instead of fully engaging with Mostest. Even being on the computer while doing other things at the same time.

I need to spend more time in the moment. Truly being in that moment. I need to work on being happy with who I am right now, what I have right now and where I am right now. Having goals is a good thing, making plans for the future is a good thing... But it should not be at the expense of now.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A March of Kindness

March of Kindness

I saw this over on Adventures in Mommyhood and knew this was something I should do! I have always believed that we can be kind and respectful in just about any situation. I also love to do kind things for the people I love. Goodness knows I could use some self-kindness too...

I will start with a kind thing I did today... Hubby couldn't sleep last night and went to work on 2 or less hours of sleep. So I made a choice to skip my gym trip so that he could sleep the rest of the day after his shift. Clearly I made the right choice because I saw him just long enough to fill his belly and he's been asleep ever since!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Empowering Myself

I have been absent for awhile because I have been embarrassed with my efforts to lose weight and especially my progress (or rather lack-there-of) and I just didn't know what to say about it.

I have been reading a lot of the weight loss blogs that I have bookmarked and one really slapped me in the face... Over at PriorFatGirl (one of my favorite weightloss blogs) I read this post by Elle: Strategy #1: Address the problem. It really made me take a hard look at myself and the choicing I have been making.

"If I subscribe to the idea that I am an “overeater” or a “chocoholic” or someone who “struggles with her weight,” then I am actually saying that I am powerless to control myself around food."

I have labeled myself as an "overeater" and as someone with "food issues" for quite a while. Which easily turns into an excuse for my behavior because "I can't help it, I have 'food issues' ".... And that is ridiculous. I have always been a firm believe that life is all about choices and that we always have a choice. So why have I not been applying that to my eating? I make the choice of what I eat and how much, not someone else, not the food. ME.

You can forgive yourself until the cows come home, and eventually you’ll be one of them. I forgave myself all the way to 212 pounds, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I could forgive myself clear to 500 pounds or more.

This really struck me because I am constantly making excuses, justifying, rationalizing and probably forgiving too. "Well I had a really bad day... it won't be that big of a deal is I eat some ____." "I don't look that overweight..." Etc etc. And really this struck me on a very personal level too because I literally did forgive myself up to 200lbs...

This is not who I am. A woman who weighs 200lbs and has "food issues."

I am the woman who was badass on the rugby field and on the ice rink. The woman who could knock other chicks around and score try's and goals with ease. The woman who had tone muscles all over. The woman who could wear children's sized shirts. The woman who felt strong and powerful and sexy and energetic.

I want to be that again. Not the woman I am now. The woman who hates to wear cute clothes because they show how heavy I have gotten. The woman who hates to get her picture taken. The woman who feels tired most of the time. The woman who has to actually work hard to to fitness activities.

It's all about choices. Only I can make the choices that will lead to me being a happier, healthier person. The excuses need to end now.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I Need to Find My Power



Wait who has the power here?

Cause it sure feels like ^ those guys have the power right now.

I want to rewind back to several weeks ago when ^ those guys had nothin' on me! But I can't go back... I have to go forward. Forward.

I have lost some ground by being off track and having an awful flu. I have not been on track with my food for almost a week now. I have fallen back into rationalizing why "its OK to have it because ________ " The only person I'm cheating is myself. So why do I keep cheating myself? Who am I fooling? No one.

I am done making excuses. Done rationalizing. I want to be powerful and in control of my eating, then I need to just do it.  Be powerful.  I need to eat like I am already in control. I want to be badass in my fitness. I want to break my old times running, be able to run long distances, have defined muscles to show off. So I need to be badass. I need to train like I am bad already.

It's like that cliche... you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I think I need to see myself these ways before anyone else can. I need to see myself as powerful, in control and badass. And dare I say beautiful?

It's definitely going to take some work to think those thoughts about myself, see myself those ways... but I'm starting to realize that I have to... or I never will.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Binge Re-group

I have gone a little off track this weekend... I have gone almost a full month with no bingeing but this weekend I would say I either got close or did actually binge depending on one's definition of a binge.

I am admitting it.

Now I am stopping it.

I love the feeling of being in control of food vs it controlling me. I love seeing the scale go down. I love feeling in control and powerful period. So, let's get back to that shall we?

Tomorrow is the start of a new month and I have recently started a new running program on Nike+, I am starting my membership at the gym, and I am going to re-commit to my low carb eating and challenge myself to see how much weight loss damage I can do in the month of February!

I look forward to updating my running ticker and weight loss ticker this month :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Chocolate Cake

There is chocolate cake in my house...

I even helped bake it...

This is where I would normally insert my confession of eating said chocolate cake...


I did not have a single piece, lick, taste, anything!

I am beyond proud of myself today :)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

PMS = Gimme some carbs!

I am closing in on 3 whole days on the Atkins Induction phase. The last 2 days were super easy. Today? Not so much. I'm crampy and cranky and I want some damn carbs! Even things that don't normally appeal to me are screaming "Eat me!"

But I will prevail!

The scale has already bumped down 2.2 lbs also! Which rocks.

You know what else rocks? I haven't had a soda in 3 days!! And I don't even crave them! WOOOOOT!

Can't wait to see the scale keep travelling downward!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Coming Out

I have decided, in my quest to be brutally honest with myself, to be brutally honest with you too.

I have never put my weight out into the interent realm... even doing weight loss challenges on bulletin boards online. I was just too embarrassed.

But today I am changing that.

As of this morning I weight 201.4 lbs.

I have been lower in the last couple years but gained the weight back.

I am so sick of hovering around 200 lbs. I am done! I am ready to explore other areas... 190's, 180's, 170's, 160's, and eventually the 150-140 range, maybe even the upper 130's, who knows.

I have a lot of muscle mass so the upper 130 range is pushing it for me, but who knows where I will end up happy. I think 140 is my main goal though.

That gives me approximately 60 lbs to lose. And damnit, I'm going to do it!

My first goal is to get down to 160lbs before getting pregnant again sometime in the nearish future.

I am ready to do this and I can't fail. I canNOT let myself down again. I just can't.

Monday, January 10, 2011

It's a Brand New Year...

Yikes... So first let me say, we are moved and started in our new life. Things are finally calming down. Unfortunately I have not only NOT lost weight lately, I guaruntee I gained weight! I can feel it.

On top of that I just flipped through the holiday pictures my mom took and put online.... and I am horrified. Things need to change RIGHT NOW!

This is a year for truly new beginnings right off the bat.

-DH is in a new career
-We are in a new town
-I am a SAHM again

So... let's add "Lose some serious weight" on there shall we?

I am starting the 2 week beginning phase of Atkins shortly and I am super excited and ready to do so. DH is even going to do it with me. There is also a gym membership in my very near future (within the next week or so).

I am SO over looking at picture of myself and wanting to cry, I am so over not feeling good in my skin or my clothes, I am so over feeling huge and cumbersome. This is it. This is my year. No excuses.