Monday, August 23, 2010

Filling That Void

Broken Glass

There is gaping, excruciating, aching hole in my chest.
I know I should probably just get over it.
It's only been 11 days.
It's only going to be 3 months.
Nonetheless the hole is there.
I never thought I would feel like this when he left.
I pride myself on being so tough.
He has been my best friend for 8 years.
I am used to talking to him numerous times throughout the day.
I am used to him being near.
Now he's not here.
Now I rarely get to talk to him for more than 5-10 minutes.
It has left me aching.
All day long.
I have periods of happiness with Mostest, I do.
But then he goes to sleep and I'm alone again.

I can feel myself trying to fill that void with food. Intellectually I know that it will not fill that void and that it will make me feel worse. Yet I find myself working so hard to fill that void with food, and not good food either. I see what I'm doing and I tell myself "Next time I won't do that." And then I find myself filling and filling and filling. But its not working and I'm not happy with how I feel afterward and the ramifications it will have on my body. I am trying so hard to pull out of this and take healthy avenues to feel better, to fill the void. You're probably thinking "Well just do it! Just make the choice!" I wish it were that easy. I wish that my relationship with food was not mixed up with my emotions.

I'm not going surrender.
I'm not going to give up.
I will win this battle.
I have some ideas.
And I hope they're going work.
One day at a time,
one choice at a time,
I'm going to believe in myself.
I'm going to make it through.
And I'm going to come out the other side even better than I went in.
There is no other choice.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I wanted to "start over" so to speak and get back on track with eating vegan/raw vegan all in one swoop soooo I needed to do some serious grocery shopping! I was able to work it so that I could shop without Mostest too, which was lonely but nice because I could shop with a clear head and no distractions.

First here is all the produce I bought:
-Romaine lettuce
-Cabbage (never bought before)
-Asparagus (never bought before)
-Eggplant (never even eaten before!)
-Fresh basil (never bought before)
-Blueberries (never bought before)

Then some old vegan favorites:
-Ezekiel bread
-Follow Your Heart vegan mozzarella
-Almond milk
-Soy milk
-Pinto beans
-Black beans
-Raspberry sorbet
-Odwalla superfood juice

Then some new vegan and raw vegan things to try:
-Tofurky keilbasa (it piqued my interest and I wanted to try it)
-Potsticker wrappers
-Raw dried coconut shavings
-Rice cheeze
-Blue agave
-Raw sunflower seeds
-Medjool dates
-Italian blend herb thing mabober
-Rice Dream ice cream
-Coconut milk

It was pretty exciting to buy all this great stuff! Some of it is to build up my raw food ingredients to actually make something out of that damn book I got and some stuff with be used right away. I am pretty proud of myself for really branching out a TON in the last 4 or 5 months veggie wise. I have tried so many veggies for virtually the first time lately! And to my surprise: I really like them! Not just tolerate them, LIKE them! :) Woot!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Mostest's First Race!

I am one proud mama today! I took Mostest to participate in his first race today! He was very excited. I kept asking him if he needed a walking break and he tried for 20 seconds and decided he didn't want any of that walking nonsense :) He did the full mile in under 14 minutes and not a single complaint either! He was smiling and laughing and high five-ing the whole time.





Saturday, August 14, 2010


I need to refocus my:

Eating: I am going to bring me diet soda consumption back down to zero. It hasn't been too bad lately compared to the worst times but it is not zero like it was for a bit and like I want it to be. I have also slipped back into non-vegan/vegetarian eating habits. So I am going to get back to eating vegan again. Also I am going to break out this bad boy out again to start my raw vegan journey!

Exercising: I have decided to set my workout schedule like this:
Monday - Run
Tuesday - Gym
Wednesday - Run
Thursday - Gym
Friday - Run
Saturday/Sunday - possible run or some other fun exercise

This could change because my mom is signing up at the gym I'm at and we are going to try to get some workouts in together. But for now this is my planned exercise schedule. And I will continue to utilize my amazingly motivated Nike+ that has not gotten a lot of use lately.

Blogging: I want to get back to blogging on a regular basis (everyday or every other day). Plus I want to start incorporating more pictures in my blogs posts. I know I love reading blogs posts with pictures so I am striving to get more pictures in mine as well.

House: I want to take this 3 months to really deep clean, organize and purge my house. I hate how cluttered it has become due to my lack of time. I want to come home to a house that makes me feel calm and positive.

Parenting: I am setting up a schedule for Mostest that will help him know what to expect, what is on the agenda for the day and the week. I think this will help him transition from one thing to another better and I think it will get a steady routine going for us (something I am not very good at). Plus I think it will somehow help me being a more relaxed mom....

These are my goals, this is what I am refocusing on, this is my plan.... Here goes nothing :P

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Boo On Me

I have been seriously back sliding and I am not impressed with myself! I have not been working out or eating properly for the last several days. :( I will change it though. It's all mental, I just need to choose to do better.

I have noticed a couple triggers to this backsliding....

-The emotional stress I'm feeling/dealing with.
-Getting on the scale and seeing the same number in spite of the change I am feeling in my body and appearance.
-Lots of rain and scheduling issues that made easy excuses to skip exercising.

I am in charge of my life, of my choices, my happiness. All I need to do is make the choice.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Stress Tolls

My life has gotten pretty stressful lately and it is definitely taking a toll. I have had McDonald's twice in the last week and I'm mad at myself for it and the ironic thing is that I don't even really like McDonald's! It is just the only fast food in town so its what I got :/

So my eating has been hit or miss but I am proud of the fact that I'm not just completely letting my self control go and go "hog wild" so to speak. Which I have done in the past during stressful times. In the interest of full disclosure, I have gone the other way too during an extremely stressful period. And while it did cross my mind to control my life through my food in a way that would make me thinner... Being thinner is not the only thing I want. I want to feel amazing, look amazing, be full of energy, add years to my life etc.

My goal during this stressful 3 month period of my life is to get as amazingly fit as I can in 3 months! I won't be doing anything crazy, just continuing to work out like I have been and get better at eating vegan and raw vegan.

I'm proud to announce as well that I am firmly back on track in terms of exercise! I wen't running yesterday and went to the gym today! Tomorrow is another running day. It feels really good to be back in my exercise groove :)