Monday, May 23, 2011


In the last week I have done 2, yes two 10k runs! Not only that they are my first two 10ks EVER! I'm pretty psyched about it! I did them both in 1:06 min. I'm incredibly proud of myself! I am also continuing to improve my pace. I did the entire 10k at an average of 10:43min/mile pace. Which factors in my short walking breaks too. Usually when I get into longer runs my pace suffers. But lately I just seem to be improving and improving!

I am continuing to feel better thanks to my anti-depressants too. I really am glad that I followed through with it and made the appointment. I was always worried that I "wouldn't feel like myself" on anti-depressants but honestly I still feel completely like myself just happier. It is such an improvement and such a relief to not feel like I am being crushed by some invisible mass bearing down on me.

In other news, I'm going to need to set a new running ticker goal! I am less than 9 miles away from 100 miles since January 1st! :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Starting to Feel Optimistic

For the first time in my life... I am taking an anti-depressant.

It is an idea I have been resistant to for a long time.

after 10 years of feeling various degrees of depression
hitting a huge low recently
finally having health insurance...

I decided I was ready to take a leap.

It has only been a week so I'm not sure how much it is or isn't working, but I am slowly feeling better. I am very much looking forward to feeling even better.

I also have really gotten back into my running groove. I was struggling for a week to even get my running shoes on but I am back at it.

I am basically 3/4 done with my first 100 miles of the year! (see my ticker) Woot!

I accomplished my Nike+ goal of 5 runs at a 11:15 min/mile pace in 4 weeks.

I set a new Nike+ goal of 5 runs at a 11:00 min/mile pace in 4 weeks.

And tonight I completed my first run under my new goal pace, and it was my first run since setting the goal!

Also I set out for my scheduled 4 mile run and KILLED it!! I did 4 miles in 42:40!!

I had a definite runner's high after and felt so proud of myself. I truly believe that my new stretching habits have made a tremendous difference. My muscles did not feel fatigued or dead until the last 400 meters and I needed very little walking. My endurance both cardiovascular and strength are definitely increasing and I am so psyched! I'm starting to feel like a real runner! :)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Crawling Out of the Quicksand


All things that have become increasingly evasive to me.

My actions have been more destructive than usual.
My tears have become more plentiful.

That bone deep ache has crept back in.
That numb sensation has worsened.
That desire to pull into myself until I disappear has completely taken over.

It has all gotten so bad that I scheduled an appointment with a doctor for the first time in the 10 years since these things first reared their head in my life.

Enough is enough. There has to be a way for me to feel better than just treading water. I deserve better don't I? My husband and son deserve better from me than what I can currently give don't they?

I feel like the answer must be yes. For as much as I hate myself, somewhere inside, against all odds, I still feel like I deserve to be happy.

So I have made an appointment, I have created a running plan and a food plan... and I am going to do my best to pull myself out of the quicksand I have been drowning in for so long... and find a better, happier me somewhere inside this mess that I am.

This song/scene really struck me and brought me to tears...