Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ooh Baby-Baby...

(Sung to the tune of Push It by Salt 'N Pepa of course. I know its not reeeally a song about babies but I like to sing just the "ooh babe-ay, babe-ay" part to Mostest because he's my Babe-ay :) LOL)

                           (Image from babiestoday. info)

Now more to the point... I have a hard time putting stuff "out there" and being vulnerable especially when it is something that has the potential to show failure. Something that I have been reluctant to mention to well... anyone... in the past is baby-making plans. Part of it is I don't like a bunch of people up in my business (which is why I will never tell certain people in my life LOL) and also partly because having people know that I'm "trying" will make me vulnerable and if it takes some time to accomplish... well then I'm failing. And I already hate failing, why would I want to purposefully show, tell, etc others that I'm failing?

So here's the truth: After (honestly) 2+ years of putting Hubby off on having another baby, I have finally caved. For several reasons: 1) because I'm dying to have another baby 2) because we have reached and/or slightly surpassed the age gap we wanted (3-4 years) 3) because I have put him off enough and he deserves better than that from me.

Lemme tell ya though... I have some serious reservations about getting pregnant right now. First and foremost I have not lost any weight. That has been damn near my one and only reason for putting off another baby all this time and I am, as a matter of fact, 15-20 lbs heavier than my lowest weight since having Mostest. WTF? And I never did get all the way back down to my pre-pregnancy weight period.

Looking back I can see what I did wrong. A lot of emotional and stress eating, plus of course... excuse making. However, I will say one thing that I think is valid and deserves to be pointed out. In the last 3.5 years since I had Mostest, my life has been incredibly inconsisent, unstable and unpredictable. Not in the sense of my marriage (thankfully) but in the day to day stuff. We did not live in one place longer than 10-11 months, Hubby and I both went through multiple jobs etc. It doesn't seem like such a big deal, but shit like that really piles on the stress and makes it hard to stay on track. Oh and on top of that I have had at least 2 significant bouts of either seasonal or postpartum depression.

Anyway... So here I am still struggling to even get into the lower 190's and trying to get pregnant. :S It makes for a lot of mixed feelings. On the one hand I am absolutely thrilled and giddy at the thought of being pregnant again but on the other hand I am devastated and terrified of starting a pregnancy at my current weight.

One thing I can say... Regardless of how much I weigh when I get pregnant again, there is going to be waaaaay less indulging and waaaaaay more exercising than when I was pregnant with Mostest and gained waaaaaay too much. I was working and going to school full-time when I was pregnant with him and therefore my eating was horrendous and I pretty much didn't exercise at all :(

I plan to continue cutting out sugar and refined carbs and continue running as long as I can and doing some sort of exercise the entire pregnancy. Honestly, what I really want is to look like this professional runner during a pregnancy... but at this point that's not going to happen. Maybe the next pregnancy? LOL

                (Image from runningskirts. com)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

One Step at a Time

All I can do is my best,
                  one meal at a time,
                          one bite at a time,
                                    one run at a time,
                                            one step at a time,
                                                   one day at a time,
                                                         one second at a time.

Today was not my finest.

I had a binge...
                   and when I could have stopped it
                                                     I didn't. I just went. right. ahead.

But toward the end of said binge my body said "ICK!" and my mind said "Why are you doing this?" So I put those 2 things together and realizing that I truly was getting nothing out of this binge I was engaging in. I mean, intellectually I always know that I am getting nothing out of bingeing. Nothing good comes out of a binge. Quite the opposite in fact. But there is that emotional, irrational place in me that brings me to the precipice of a binge in the first place... and that place, believes I am getting something out of a binge. Filling some void I can't put my finger on, replacing and/or fulfilling some emotion I can't quite bring to the surface to acknowledge. Making me feel "better." But it really isn't...

I honestly believe this is something that I will battle with for quite a while to get worked out, maybe I will battle with it my whole life... I don't know. What I do know, is that I never want to quit battling. I never want to give in. That's not me, that has never been me, and I refuse to let that become me.

Which is why despite my bingeing, battered self-confidence, fatigue, and sore muscles I dragged myself out for the 5k run I had scheduled today. It was my third one in 3 days... I think 3 days in a row is too much in hindsight but I really wanted to stay accountable and on schedule. But lemme tell ya...

It. Sucked.

My calves hurt.
     My knees hurt.
          My pace was turtle like.

It was miserable.

But at the end of the day, I'm still glad I did it.

Because all I can do is take it one step at a time.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

On Top of the World!

                                      (Image from Flickr)

That's how I'm feeling right now! Honestly, I haven't run 5 miles since probably 2008... maybe 2009 but I don't think so. (That makes me sad to read, much less put it out there for all to see.)

I was going through my run history on Nike+ and my 5k this week was literally only 2 seconds more than my personal record! That is awesome! Also, there is a thing toward the bottom that shows your best times for the mile, the 5k and the 10k. I was looking at the blank 10k section and realized "Hey! I was just 1.1 miles short of that today!!! (Eee!) I could probably get a 10k time in there very soon!!!" I honestly don't think I have EVER run that many miles in one shot in my life! (6.2) I have always been fast, but short distance fast. I have never done, or had any inclination to do, long distance running. Why would I? I played hockey- no running there. I played rugby- short, fast spurt running there. So it never came into play.

However, here I am in a new town that is very small (population of 3,500 I believe) and has no real althetic avenue for me. Where I lived before I was still playing women's hockey, which is by far my preferred method of exercise. But I have nothing here.

I am a competitve person.
I need something to be competing at.
Even if it is with myself.
Therefore I am now running.
And setting goals for said running.

Honestly I would love to be able to compete in races too but like I said... small town, plus it's an island so I can't just drive to a nearby town and there are no races that I have heard of here in town. So I will just keep competing with myself. And you know what? I'm actually OK with that :)

Ever since I started running with Aurora I have really started falling more in love with running. I think when I went by myself it felt like an obligation. I did it because I had to, because I needed exercise to lose weight. Now I do it because it is a fun thing to do with my furry sweetie plus I am enjoying it and I love to see the improvements in my times and distances.

I have decided that I want to be one of these chicks.... A totally BadAss runner chick :)

                             (Image from Google Images)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Mostest Motivation

I had a 2 mile run on my Nike+ 5k training schedule and had to take Mostest with me since Hubby was at work. When we hit the halfway point Mostest told me how badly he wanted to keep going (he was chillin' in the stroller). How can you say no to that? So obviously I kept going. Pretty soon we were getting close to the beach so I figured I would go all the way there and he could get out and play for a bit before we headed home. Well, turns out he was asleep! So I turned around to head home. We had gone 2.5 miles at that point so obviously I had 2.5 more miles ahead of me. Eek!

As I was getting started on the return trip I was definitely dreading it. I was pleasantly surprised to find that once I got going I was mostly fine. I wasn't dying, I wasn't having to walk for extended periods of time. Or anything like that.

Hopefully this works... but here is a link to my 5 miler :) -->  Nike+

I am pretty damn proud of it. Especially considering I was pushing a stroller with a 36lb preschooler in it. Woot!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Self-Doubt, Self-Hate, Self-Sabotage... Self-Confidence.

low self esteem

I'm having on of those days...

                              Where I doubt and I hate and probably sabotage too.

I have been sitting here sitting stewing. Thinking about things I have done and things I haven't done. Are they enough, are they the right things? Am I doing this right? That right? Anything right?

Why can't I seem to succeed in losing weight? What's wrong with me? (Boy, there's a list that could get long...)

I'm emotionally exhausted right now, right this minute.
                                             From all my self-doubt and self-hate.

There are many great things about me, great things in my life, great people in my life...

But right now all I can see is
                                what I'm not
                                      what I'm failing at
                                            what I'm not sure of.

And to be honest I'm not sure what to do about it.

All I can do right now is listen to this song and try to take this advice:  

♫You're so mean

When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead ♫

                                                              Fucking Perfect by Pink

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Getting Back to Where I Left Off

Due to a Nike+ error (the time was going but the mileage wasn't) I ended up taking Aurora for a full 5k run last night! She did so well. She was so funny too, we retraced our steps for the last mile and she caught our previous scent/trail and took off running! She ran hard for a full 1/2 mile. Apparently she has more in her than I thought she did! LOL

I felt really good though. I'm feeling better endurance wise than I have felt since this past summer. I'm incredibly excited about that fact too. I want to start challenging myself to faster times and longer runs. Woot!

My goal for myself (and Aurora) is to go running at least 4x/week. Thankfully Hubby is on a shift right now that actually helps me have time to go running. Which is new and foreign! LOL

My current pace average is around 10:45-10:50... I am setting a goal of solid 10:00 pace averages.

I'm also setting a goal of getting my 5k time at or under 30 minutes.

Can't wait to conquer those goals!