All I can do is my best,
one meal at a time,
one bite at a time,
one run at a time,
one step at a time,
one day at a time,
one second at a time.
Today was not my finest.
I had a binge...
and when I could have stopped it
I didn't. I just went. right. ahead.
But toward the end of said binge my body said "ICK!" and my mind said "Why are you doing this?" So I put those 2 things together and realizing that I truly was getting nothing out of this binge I was engaging in. I mean, intellectually I always know that I am getting nothing out of bingeing. Nothing good comes out of a binge. Quite the opposite in fact. But there is that emotional, irrational place in me that brings me to the precipice of a binge in the first place... and that place, believes I am getting something out of a binge. Filling some void I can't put my finger on, replacing and/or fulfilling some emotion I can't quite bring to the surface to acknowledge. Making me feel "better." But it really isn't...
I honestly believe this is something that I will battle with for quite a while to get worked out, maybe I will battle with it my whole life... I don't know. What I do know, is that I never want to quit battling. I never want to give in. That's not me, that has never been me, and I refuse to let that become me.
Which is why despite my bingeing, battered self-confidence, fatigue, and sore muscles I dragged myself out for the 5k run I had scheduled today. It was my third one in 3 days... I think 3 days in a row is too much in hindsight but I really wanted to stay accountable and on schedule. But lemme tell ya...
My calves hurt.
My knees hurt.
My pace was turtle like.
It was miserable.
But at the end of the day, I'm still glad I did it.
Because all I can do is take it one step at a time.