Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ooh Baby-Baby...

(Sung to the tune of Push It by Salt 'N Pepa of course. I know its not reeeally a song about babies but I like to sing just the "ooh babe-ay, babe-ay" part to Mostest because he's my Babe-ay :) LOL)

                           (Image from babiestoday. info)

Now more to the point... I have a hard time putting stuff "out there" and being vulnerable especially when it is something that has the potential to show failure. Something that I have been reluctant to mention to well... anyone... in the past is baby-making plans. Part of it is I don't like a bunch of people up in my business (which is why I will never tell certain people in my life LOL) and also partly because having people know that I'm "trying" will make me vulnerable and if it takes some time to accomplish... well then I'm failing. And I already hate failing, why would I want to purposefully show, tell, etc others that I'm failing?

So here's the truth: After (honestly) 2+ years of putting Hubby off on having another baby, I have finally caved. For several reasons: 1) because I'm dying to have another baby 2) because we have reached and/or slightly surpassed the age gap we wanted (3-4 years) 3) because I have put him off enough and he deserves better than that from me.

Lemme tell ya though... I have some serious reservations about getting pregnant right now. First and foremost I have not lost any weight. That has been damn near my one and only reason for putting off another baby all this time and I am, as a matter of fact, 15-20 lbs heavier than my lowest weight since having Mostest. WTF? And I never did get all the way back down to my pre-pregnancy weight period.

Looking back I can see what I did wrong. A lot of emotional and stress eating, plus of course... excuse making. However, I will say one thing that I think is valid and deserves to be pointed out. In the last 3.5 years since I had Mostest, my life has been incredibly inconsisent, unstable and unpredictable. Not in the sense of my marriage (thankfully) but in the day to day stuff. We did not live in one place longer than 10-11 months, Hubby and I both went through multiple jobs etc. It doesn't seem like such a big deal, but shit like that really piles on the stress and makes it hard to stay on track. Oh and on top of that I have had at least 2 significant bouts of either seasonal or postpartum depression.

Anyway... So here I am still struggling to even get into the lower 190's and trying to get pregnant. :S It makes for a lot of mixed feelings. On the one hand I am absolutely thrilled and giddy at the thought of being pregnant again but on the other hand I am devastated and terrified of starting a pregnancy at my current weight.

One thing I can say... Regardless of how much I weigh when I get pregnant again, there is going to be waaaaay less indulging and waaaaaay more exercising than when I was pregnant with Mostest and gained waaaaaay too much. I was working and going to school full-time when I was pregnant with him and therefore my eating was horrendous and I pretty much didn't exercise at all :(

I plan to continue cutting out sugar and refined carbs and continue running as long as I can and doing some sort of exercise the entire pregnancy. Honestly, what I really want is to look like this professional runner during a pregnancy... but at this point that's not going to happen. Maybe the next pregnancy? LOL

                (Image from runningskirts. com)

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