Monday, May 2, 2011

Crawling Out of the Quicksand


All things that have become increasingly evasive to me.

My actions have been more destructive than usual.
My tears have become more plentiful.

That bone deep ache has crept back in.
That numb sensation has worsened.
That desire to pull into myself until I disappear has completely taken over.

It has all gotten so bad that I scheduled an appointment with a doctor for the first time in the 10 years since these things first reared their head in my life.

Enough is enough. There has to be a way for me to feel better than just treading water. I deserve better don't I? My husband and son deserve better from me than what I can currently give don't they?

I feel like the answer must be yes. For as much as I hate myself, somewhere inside, against all odds, I still feel like I deserve to be happy.

So I have made an appointment, I have created a running plan and a food plan... and I am going to do my best to pull myself out of the quicksand I have been drowning in for so long... and find a better, happier me somewhere inside this mess that I am.

This song/scene really struck me and brought me to tears...

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