Monday, August 23, 2010

Filling That Void

Broken Glass

There is gaping, excruciating, aching hole in my chest.
I know I should probably just get over it.
It's only been 11 days.
It's only going to be 3 months.
Nonetheless the hole is there.
I never thought I would feel like this when he left.
I pride myself on being so tough.
He has been my best friend for 8 years.
I am used to talking to him numerous times throughout the day.
I am used to him being near.
Now he's not here.
Now I rarely get to talk to him for more than 5-10 minutes.
It has left me aching.
All day long.
I have periods of happiness with Mostest, I do.
But then he goes to sleep and I'm alone again.

I can feel myself trying to fill that void with food. Intellectually I know that it will not fill that void and that it will make me feel worse. Yet I find myself working so hard to fill that void with food, and not good food either. I see what I'm doing and I tell myself "Next time I won't do that." And then I find myself filling and filling and filling. But its not working and I'm not happy with how I feel afterward and the ramifications it will have on my body. I am trying so hard to pull out of this and take healthy avenues to feel better, to fill the void. You're probably thinking "Well just do it! Just make the choice!" I wish it were that easy. I wish that my relationship with food was not mixed up with my emotions.

I'm not going surrender.
I'm not going to give up.
I will win this battle.
I have some ideas.
And I hope they're going work.
One day at a time,
one choice at a time,
I'm going to believe in myself.
I'm going to make it through.
And I'm going to come out the other side even better than I went in.
There is no other choice.

1 comment:

  1. I feel for you. I hope you can find somethings to fill that void while DH is away!!! Hugs!