Filling That Void

There is gaping, excruciating, aching hole in my chest.

I know I should probably just get over it.

It's only been 11 days.

It's only going to be 3 months.

Nonetheless the hole is there.

I never thought I would feel like this when he left.

I pride myself on being so tough.

He has been my best friend for 8 years.

I am used to talking to him numerous times throughout the day.

I am used to him being near.

Now he's not here.

Now I rarely get to talk to him for more than 5-10 minutes.

It has left me aching.

All day long.

I have periods of happiness with Mostest, I do.

But then he goes to sleep and I'm alone again.

I can feel myself trying to fill that void with food. Intellectually I know that it will not fill that void and that it will make me feel worse. Yet I find myself working so hard to fill that void with food, and not good food either. I see what I'm doing and I tell myself "Next time I won't do that." And then I find myself filling and filling and filling. But its not working and I'm not happy with how I feel afterward and the ramifications it will have on my body. I am trying so hard to pull out of this and take healthy avenues to feel better, to fill the void. You're probably thinking "Well just do it! Just make the choice!" I wish it were that easy. I wish that my relationship with food was not mixed up with my emotions.

I'm not going surrender.

I'm not going to give up.

I will win this battle.

I have some ideas.

And I hope they're going work.

One day at a time,

one choice at a time,

I'm going to believe in myself.

I'm going to make it through.

And I'm going to come out the other side even better than I went in.

There is no other choice.