10k

In the last week I have done 2, yes two 10k runs! Not only that they are my first two 10ks EVER! I'm pretty psyched about it! I did them both in 1:06 min. I'm incredibly proud of myself! I am also continuing to improve my pace. I did the entire 10k at an average of 10:43min/mile pace. Which factors in my short walking breaks too. Usually when I get into longer runs my pace suffers. But lately I just seem to be improving and improving!

I am continuing to feel better thanks to my anti-depressants too. I really am glad that I followed through with it and made the appointment. I was always worried that I "wouldn't feel like myself" on anti-depressants but honestly I still feel completely like myself just happier. It is such an improvement and such a relief to not feel like I am being crushed by some invisible mass bearing down on me.

In other news, I'm going to need to set a new running ticker goal! I am less than 9 miles away from 100 miles since January 1st! :)

Starting to Feel Optimistic

For the first time in my life... I am taking an anti-depressant.

It is an idea I have been resistant to for a long time.

But...
after 10 years of feeling various degrees of depression
hitting a huge low recently
finally having health insurance...

I decided I was ready to take a leap.

It has only been a week so I'm not sure how much it is or isn't working, but I am slowly feeling better. I am very much looking forward to feeling even better.

I also have really gotten back into my running groove. I was struggling for a week to even get my running shoes on but I am back at it.

I am basically 3/4 done with my first 100 miles of the year! (see my ticker) Woot!

I accomplished my Nike+ goal of 5 runs at a 11:15 min/mile pace in 4 weeks.

I set a new Nike+ goal of 5 runs at a 11:00 min/mile pace in 4 weeks.

And tonight I completed my first run under my new goal pace, and it was my first run since setting the goal!

Also I set out for my scheduled 4 mile run and KILLED it!! I did 4 miles in 42:40!!

I had a definite runner's high after and felt so proud of myself. I truly believe that my new stretching habits have made a tremendous difference. My muscles did not feel fatigued or dead until the last 400 meters and I needed very little walking. My endurance both cardiovascular and strength are definitely increasing and I am so psyched! I'm starting to feel like a real runner! :)

Crawling Out of the Quicksand

Happiness
Contentment
Enjoyment
Fulfillment
Equilibrium
Self-Love
Self-Confidence
Motivation

All things that have become increasingly evasive to me.

My actions have been more destructive than usual.
My tears have become more plentiful.

That bone deep ache has crept back in.
That numb sensation has worsened.
That desire to pull into myself until I disappear has completely taken over.

It has all gotten so bad that I scheduled an appointment with a doctor for the first time in the 10 years since these things first reared their head in my life.

Enough is enough. There has to be a way for me to feel better than just treading water. I deserve better don't I? My husband and son deserve better from me than what I can currently give don't they?

I feel like the answer must be yes. For as much as I hate myself, somewhere inside, against all odds, I still feel like I deserve to be happy.

So I have made an appointment, I have created a running plan and a food plan... and I am going to do my best to pull myself out of the quicksand I have been drowning in for so long... and find a better, happier me somewhere inside this mess that I am.

This song/scene really struck me and brought me to tears...

Self-Doubt, Self-Hate, Self-Sabotage... Self-Confidence.

I'm having on of those days...

                              Where I doubt and I hate and probably sabotage too.

I have been sitting here sitting stewing. Thinking about things I have done and things I haven't done. Are they enough, are they the right things? Am I doing this right? That right? Anything right?

Why can't I seem to succeed in losing weight? What's wrong with me? (Boy, there's a list that could get long...)

I'm emotionally exhausted right now, right this minute.
                                             From all my self-doubt and self-hate.

There are many great things about me, great things in my life, great people in my life...

But right now all I can see is
                                what I'm not
                                      what I'm failing at
                                            what I'm not sure of.

And to be honest I'm not sure what to do about it.

All I can do right now is listen to this song and try to take this advice:  

♫You're so mean

When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead ♫


                                                              Fucking Perfect by Pink

Drowning in Self-Loathing

It's tangible...
I can feel it pressing down on me...
Pulling me down...
Threatening to swallow me up...
This self-loathing.





Dissappointed... in myself
Angry... with myself
Sad... within myself
Seething... at myself
Hating... myself


I know I should put some positive spin on this, look on the brightside, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you strong" blah blah blah. But I can't. Not right now. I have these lofty goals of losing weight (which is working for shit by the way) but truthfully I'm barely treading water in life much less the weight loss realm.

Times like this I long for the times when stress made me *not* want to eat... At least something would be moving in the right direction...