Empowering Myself

I have been absent for awhile because I have been embarrassed with my efforts to lose weight and especially my progress (or rather lack-there-of) and I just didn't know what to say about it.

I have been reading a lot of the weight loss blogs that I have bookmarked and one really slapped me in the face... Over at PriorFatGirl (one of my favorite weightloss blogs) I read this post by Elle: Strategy #1: Address the problem. It really made me take a hard look at myself and the choicing I have been making.

"If I subscribe to the idea that I am an “overeater” or a “chocoholic” or someone who “struggles with her weight,” then I am actually saying that I am powerless to control myself around food."

I have labeled myself as an "overeater" and as someone with "food issues" for quite a while. Which easily turns into an excuse for my behavior because "I can't help it, I have 'food issues' ".... And that is ridiculous. I have always been a firm believe that life is all about choices and that we always have a choice. So why have I not been applying that to my eating? I make the choice of what I eat and how much, not someone else, not the food. ME.

You can forgive yourself until the cows come home, and eventually you’ll be one of them. I forgave myself all the way to 212 pounds, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I could forgive myself clear to 500 pounds or more.

This really struck me because I am constantly making excuses, justifying, rationalizing and probably forgiving too. "Well I had a really bad day... it won't be that big of a deal is I eat some ____." "I don't look that overweight..." Etc etc. And really this struck me on a very personal level too because I literally did forgive myself up to 200lbs...

This is not who I am. A woman who weighs 200lbs and has "food issues."

I am the woman who was badass on the rugby field and on the ice rink. The woman who could knock other chicks around and score try's and goals with ease. The woman who had tone muscles all over. The woman who could wear children's sized shirts. The woman who felt strong and powerful and sexy and energetic.

I want to be that again. Not the woman I am now. The woman who hates to wear cute clothes because they show how heavy I have gotten. The woman who hates to get her picture taken. The woman who feels tired most of the time. The woman who has to actually work hard to to fitness activities.

It's all about choices. Only I can make the choices that will lead to me being a happier, healthier person. The excuses need to end now.

I Need to Find My Power

Yum...



Mmm...

Wait who has the power here?

Cause it sure feels like ^ those guys have the power right now.

I want to rewind back to several weeks ago when ^ those guys had nothin' on me! But I can't go back... I have to go forward. Forward.

I have lost some ground by being off track and having an awful flu. I have not been on track with my food for almost a week now. I have fallen back into rationalizing why "its OK to have it because ________ " The only person I'm cheating is myself. So why do I keep cheating myself? Who am I fooling? No one.

I am done making excuses. Done rationalizing. I want to be powerful and in control of my eating, then I need to just do it.  Be powerful.  I need to eat like I am already in control. I want to be badass in my fitness. I want to break my old times running, be able to run long distances, have defined muscles to show off. So I need to be badass. I need to train like I am bad already.

It's like that cliche... you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I think I need to see myself these ways before anyone else can. I need to see myself as powerful, in control and badass. And dare I say beautiful?

It's definitely going to take some work to think those thoughts about myself, see myself those ways... but I'm starting to realize that I have to... or I never will.

Binge Re-group

I have gone a little off track this weekend... I have gone almost a full month with no bingeing but this weekend I would say I either got close or did actually binge depending on one's definition of a binge.

I am admitting it.

Now I am stopping it.

I love the feeling of being in control of food vs it controlling me. I love seeing the scale go down. I love feeling in control and powerful period. So, let's get back to that shall we?

Tomorrow is the start of a new month and I have recently started a new running program on Nike+, I am starting my membership at the gym, and I am going to re-commit to my low carb eating and challenge myself to see how much weight loss damage I can do in the month of February!

I look forward to updating my running ticker and weight loss ticker this month :)

Chocolate Cake

There is chocolate cake in my house...

I even helped bake it...

This is where I would normally insert my confession of eating said chocolate cake...

BUT NOT TODAY!!!

I did not have a single piece, lick, taste, anything!

I am beyond proud of myself today :)

PMS = Gimme some carbs!

I am closing in on 3 whole days on the Atkins Induction phase. The last 2 days were super easy. Today? Not so much. I'm crampy and cranky and I want some damn carbs! Even things that don't normally appeal to me are screaming "Eat me!"

But I will prevail!

The scale has already bumped down 2.2 lbs also! Which rocks.

You know what else rocks? I haven't had a soda in 3 days!! And I don't even crave them! WOOOOOT!

Can't wait to see the scale keep travelling downward!

Coming Out

I have decided, in my quest to be brutally honest with myself, to be brutally honest with you too.

I have never put my weight out into the interent realm... even doing weight loss challenges on bulletin boards online. I was just too embarrassed.

But today I am changing that.

As of this morning I weight 201.4 lbs.

I have been lower in the last couple years but gained the weight back.

I am so sick of hovering around 200 lbs. I am done! I am ready to explore other areas... 190's, 180's, 170's, 160's, and eventually the 150-140 range, maybe even the upper 130's, who knows.

I have a lot of muscle mass so the upper 130 range is pushing it for me, but who knows where I will end up happy. I think 140 is my main goal though.

That gives me approximately 60 lbs to lose. And damnit, I'm going to do it!

My first goal is to get down to 160lbs before getting pregnant again sometime in the nearish future.

I am ready to do this and I can't fail. I canNOT let myself down again. I just can't.

It's a Brand New Year...

Yikes... So first let me say, we are moved and started in our new life. Things are finally calming down. Unfortunately I have not only NOT lost weight lately, I guaruntee I gained weight! I can feel it.

On top of that I just flipped through the holiday pictures my mom took and put online.... and I am horrified. Things need to change RIGHT NOW!

This is a year for truly new beginnings right off the bat.

-DH is in a new career
-We are in a new town
-I am a SAHM again

So... let's add "Lose some serious weight" on there shall we?

I am starting the 2 week beginning phase of Atkins shortly and I am super excited and ready to do so. DH is even going to do it with me. There is also a gym membership in my very near future (within the next week or so).

I am SO over looking at picture of myself and wanting to cry, I am so over not feeling good in my skin or my clothes, I am so over feeling huge and cumbersome. This is it. This is my year. No excuses.